Confessions of a Sweaty Expat
Perspiration is the price of admission to paradise
SWEAT!
There’s no getting around it. Life in Mexico is full of it. You would die with out it. Nike makes it look sexy. It’s currently my only hair product.
I opted for tops with bare midriffs (and I don’t have a mid I particularly love to riff).
I knew Mexico was hot. I mean, I grew up on Westerns. They featured sweaty, stubble faced men in dust-caked shirts. Sweaty men in dirt is as much of a trope for TV and film to indicate that you are ”South of the Border” as the BAN-ban-Ban-ban siren is to indicate you are in Paris (because that is all there is in France - or even Europe - according to every show in the 80s and 90’s).
No problem! I had my Summer wardrobe. I grew up in California’s sun-baked hills of tall grass, AKA golden fuel for fire season. Mid 80’s are a given and low 100’s are common.
I landed in Puerto Vallarta sporting my JJill linen wide-leg cropped pants, cotton T-shirt and a light summer scarf (for the chill of airplanes). I schlepped 2 suitcases straining with tank tops, lycra, summer dresses, yoga pants, shorts and flip flops. This worked for the first few weeks. In February.
By March I was hunting boutiques on a quest for less oppressive garments. No sleeves and nothing clingy or form fitting. Suddenly, even cotton felt too heavy! I opted for tops with bare midriffs (and I don’t have a mid I particularly love to riff). Things made in Mexico, appropriate to the climate. That was perfect! Through April.
Come June I cleared out anything H&M had in XL. Spaghetti strap sundresses, frilly sleeveless blouses, skirts. Considering I spent my childhood in stretch pants, jeans, and shorts, this was a wardrobe makeover. I now own no fewer than 8 dresses and 4 skirts! Shorts and flowing pants made of gauzy cotton or linen complete the wardrobe. I got this down!
It is now July. I am naked. At home. In the AC. As much as possible.
My dating profile says
Hobbies and interests: Sweating.
Seeking: Fog Bank.
And. The worst is yet to come.
The Pixie cut is, essentially, the spider plant of hair cuts. Just like in the rainforest - it serves no other purpose than to transfer, in my case, salty scalp juice to whatever lays below.
August is more humid. But September is the killer month. Even local businesses close due to hell-weather conditions. My strategy: travel. Or mercy kill myself. Anything to escape the hurricane laden soup that is the ocean; even the beach offers no respite from the perma-heat.
Lifestyle Changes
Choosing to live here means choosing to live differently. Here’s how I am adapting thus far.
Hair
The constant hot house climate means my neck has been perpetually wet since Colbert went on Summer Hiatus (coincidence?). Trickle Down is more than an Economic Theory, folks! My cute, cropped, “I’m a late in life lesbian, hear me roar!”, Pixie cut is, essentially, the spider plant of hair cuts. Just like in the rainforest - it serves no other purpose than to transfer, in my case, salty scalp juice to whatever lays below. Solution: get hair cut more often. Wednesday I’ll be reunited with my French hair stylist - fresh back from her vacation in Paris. 36 hours to go. I can do this!
Diet
I take in mostly liquids and liquid adjacent foods: yogurt, smoothies, fruit, milk and cereal. Solids are largely: raw veggies (cucumber, tomatoes, lettuce, carrots, celery, jicama); fruit (bananas, citrus, melons, papaya, lime on everything), grains (Rice, tabuleh, lentils, quinoa); dairy (cheese, cottage cheese, drinkable yogurt, sour cream, crema), crackers, nuts, granola, meuseli, and for protein eggs, tuna, prosciutto and the odd Costco rotisserie chicken or BBQ ribs.
Dining Out
Any meal that is cooked - other than a hot dog - I order at local restaurants, taco stands, cafes. I finally have a beautiful gas stove and oven, and yet… beyond cooking some eggs and pasta dishes… It’s too damned hot to cook!
Sleep
Siestas son mis amigas. I’ve always been a napper. But now, it’s not a suggestion, it’s an appointment! Any given day between 3 and 5 pm give or take an hour, I am on my bed below the AC unit with the ceiling fans on. I wake in time to feed the dog, check the weather and if it isn’t an imminent thunder storm or rain, we get an evening walk in the park.
Pools
Back home, I used the condo’s community pool a handful of times in the Summer. Here getting wet happens at least once a week, year round. Fortunately there are options so that you can weather the weather.
Home pools - Most homes in my neighborhood have a small pool that fits in a courtyard. These mini motes aren’t ostentatious displays of water consumption so common in California. Rather, they are modestly sized practicalities that make life bearable.
Resort Day Passes - Many resorts and high end hotels offer day passes with access to large pools. Saline is often used making for a more comfortable, less chemical experience. Infinity pools with views of the coast are great destination spots.
Beach Clubs - As the name suggests, a day pass provides you access to their private beach. Pools are also available along with a bar and food menu. Typically these pools are 4 feet deep and pleasantly warm, making margarita multitasking a snap while bobbing in the water! Towels and beach / patio loungers are provided as are showers and changing rooms, and sometimes a locker.
Spas - Health Spas have saunas, cold plunges, hot baths, jets that massage, and every kind of health juice you could want. Pools at spas are often inside so don’t expect a luxe rooftop pool with a view. Add ons of facials, massages and pedicures can be booked as well.
Moral of the story: embrace the sweat! Get used to wetness and the abatement thereof as a way of life.
Bring something to blot the brow, neck and face. Humidity here is worthy of a Tennessee Williams play and the heat would humble Hemingway.
Those tourist looking Don Quixote fans with lace? Buy two - never be without one.
Hydration is a way of life but it doesn’t have to be boring water. Aguas Frescas are flavorful and healthy: Agua de Piña, Horchata, Agua de limon with mint and sugar, Agaua de Cantaloupe, watermelon and Jamaica (dried hibiscus flowers) are some of the best things you can put in your body.
Shower 3x a day. Change as often as needed. Every bra is a sweaty bra. Have several. Same for undies.
Heat and humidity are the price of admission to this paradise. Pace yourself. Get practical. Limit your activities, and find indoor things to do. (Learning Spanish is mine.) Travel outside the costal region when possible - mountains and inland areas are far less humid, and afternoon rains are cooling. Have access to a pool - make friends with neighbors who have one. Take naps. Have a drink.
Life is good. Sweaty. Salty. But Good!
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Until next time, think cool, dry thoughts, like: Dry Ice! Adios!
-Vallarta Val
OMG if you write a book, can you pls make the title & subtitle of this writing that of your book?